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Hey Parents,

Ever feel unhappy with your kid or teen and find yourself trying to change them by any means necessary? It’s common to think we need to do something about it right away, but that often leads to coercive actions. We might end up threatening, punishing, or bribing them to get them to change.

Dr. William Glasser calls these actions the "seven deadly habits" in relationships:

• Criticizing

• Blaming

• Nagging

• Complaining

• Threatening

• Punishing

• Rewarding for Control

When we’re unhappy with our kids, we stop doing things with them and start doing things to them. These habits can damage any relationship, not just with our kids but also with our spouse.

John had always been close to his son, Alex. They used to spend weekends fishing, playing basketball, and just talking about life. But as Alex entered his teenage years, things began to change. He became more distant, his grades slipped, and they started arguing more often.

John found himself getting frustrated and unhappy with Alex. His first instinct was to take action. He started criticizing Alex for not studying enough, blaming him for the tension in their home, and nagging him to do better. When that didn’t work, he threatened to take away his phone and punished him by grounding him. He even tried bribing Alex with rewards if he improved his grades.

The more John tried to control Alex, the worse things got. Alex became even more withdrawn and rebellious. John felt like he was losing his son.

One evening, after yet another heated argument, John’s wife handed him a book by Dr. William Glasser. As he read through it, something clicked. He realized he had been using what Glasser called the "seven deadly habits" – criticizing, blaming, nagging, complaining, threatening, punishing, and rewarding for control.

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John decided to change his approach. The next day, he sat down with Alex and apologized. He told him he wanted to understand what was going on in his life instead of just trying to control him. They had a long talk, where Alex finally opened up about the pressures he was facing at school and with friends.

John made a conscious effort to reconnect with Alex. He started spending quality time with him again, doing things they both enjoyed. Instead of focusing on what Alex was doing wrong, he praised his efforts and listened more.

Slowly but surely, their relationship improved. Alex’s grades began to pick up, and he started to share more about his life. The tension in the house eased, replaced by laughter and conversation.

John learned that when he was unhappy with Alex, doing things to him only pushed him away. But by doing things with him and showing understanding and support, he rebuilt their bond.

And from then on, John remembered the lesson of the seven deadly habits, choosing connection over control.

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