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“I want that toy! I was playing with it FIRST!”

The moment I heard those words come out of my 4-year-old’s mouth, I could feel my heart rate elevate. I knew what was to follow would be more shouting, fighting, and likely some crying as her 3-year-old brother tried to establish his ownership of this shared toy.

If you’re a parent of younger children, I’m sure you can imagine the scene and the many outcomes that come from the arguments over who was playing with a toy first. Hint: it doesn’t typically end with rainbows and butterflies and everyone getting along.

It might end with one sibling hurting the other before you get there. It might end with no one getting the toy. If you’re in this household, it might even end with an argument between you and your toddler that leads you to question your debate skills. Regardless of how it actually ends, I think we all know how we would like it to end: your children sharing willingly and cheerfully.

For many, this act feels like a reflection of our parenting and the values we’re instilling in our children. When you’re raised in a home with strong values, it makes sense that you also want your children to have strong values. You want them to treat others with kindness and one way to do that is to share. But before we continue this conversation, go support the sponsor we love today.

The fact of the matter is, we can’t instill values, like sharing, by forcing someone to do something, and that includes our children. Think about it this way: If you were at work eating your lunch and a coworker said, “That looks great! I want it!” You’d probably look at them like they lost their mind and follow that up with a hard, “No.”

Now imagine your boss came over and said, “In this office, we share,” and then made you give your lunch to your coworker. You’d be livid! Not only were you not done, but they didn’t even ask. When I thought about it like this, it made me wonder, Is there a world where I would have shared with my coworker? And the answer is, yes, absolutely! I might be more willing to share if: 1) they asked, 2) I was done, or 3) I had extra.

This led me to realize that what was missing in the dynamic between my children wasn’t a reflection of responsiveness or instilling strong values, it was the how of sharing. I wasn’t actually teaching them how to share, I was simply telling them they needed to do it. Once I had that realization, I was able to completely change the way I approached this scenario and actually teach them how to share.

When I thought about it, it was actually quite simple. First, this needs to be done in moments of calm while you’re able to model for them. The best moment of calm is also a moment of play, so consider what this looks like in your home. When children learn new skills in moments of calm or play, it allows them to practice in a safe space AND helps them better retain the information.

Second, think about how you want them to ask and respond. In our home, this sounds like one person asking, “Can I play with that?”

*Please give a gentle round of applause too…*